psycho babble

if you had a choice, would you rather be a victim of mental agony, or physical torture? oh, and there is no third choice. i mean, yeah, it's a morbid question to ask, but i was thinking about it while i was watching the third test match between india and pakistan. it's like... sportsmen get paid for falling. that's it. u go out on a field, take a fall attempting to catch a ball, and go home with $10,000. playing sport doesnt take too much intellect, which explains why men are so good at it. on the other hand, if someone was going to pay me $10,000 to fall, i wouldn't do it. im smarter than that. just wondering which kind of pain is worse. or if it is all relative

mind games

while i really must get cracking on an exam assignment, one quick thought. you know what i think? i think the concept of achievement is rather over-rated. hyped. made out to be much much more than it is. no seriously. the phenomenon of Dr. Phil would never exist if there was no depression to cure; depression that then has to be artificially induced by equating average with everybody, and making that come out like a bad thing. you know people were actually happy, before they aired lifestyles of the rich and famous. -------------------------------------------- care for some humuhumunukunukuapuaa? or would you rather be beat in the head by pirates?

walk. only where ive marked a trail for you.

stupid lahore marathon. the city was paralyzed for over 6 hours. i swear, if i didnt know the right people, i wouldve hated being in this country. the honest, decent man never finds his way around. you need police escort to open barriers for you. literally.

good riddance.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial For what it's worth it was worth all the while It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right I hope you had the time of your life.

hear! hair!

if i were ever a super hero, i'd be umm... invisible woman. my super power being the ability to be absolutely invisible. totally. completely. very, very, invisible. ------------------------------- [eds note: picture edited for obscene content] the issue being, for the last two years, ive carried a very short crop. a very, very short crop... it's so much easier to handle, and carry... except as off late, everyone and their goldfish have been telling me to grow out my hair, cuz umm... they would like to see a change. and that without exaggeration, most of my male friends had hair longer than mine. fair enough. it cant be that bad, right? except that it is. not only do such short hair take time to grow (this picture was actually taken like 6 weeks after the actual shearing itself... so imagine how short im used to keeping it)... but... it just feels so weird. it's like... stability... ugh... i almost feel committed ... and ummm... compelled to be all mature, and serious and like non-flippant... and boring. and grounded. the issue is, why cant i just go out and get my hair cut again, right? cuz, i would feel very guilty for letting so many ppl down. talk about being screwed up. it's my hair, my life, my choice. and look at how im allowing others to not only comment, but also influence my decision. im such a freak ------------------------------- jin zakhmon ko wakt bher chala hai tum kiyun unhain cheray ja rahay ho rekhaon ka kehl hai muqadder rekhaon say maat kha rahay ho

oddly enough

i've decided it's much fun living in a space/time dis-continuum. it's rather like... "livin it up at the hotel california"... you know, you umm... if you understand, and accept all things as being transitory, then this life can be like a one big holiday... or a never-ending-till-death-do-us-part-1 vacation. or a part 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 or 7, if you believe in re-incarnation. im sure i dont believe in re-incarnation, except well, i have this theory about a friend of mine. he loves to eat. he literally worships the food he eats. he umm... it's like, when u watch him eat, you stop eating, because just watching him relish his food is such a fun thing to do. he becomes one with his food. his food is him. he is his food. it's complicated. his name is danish right, and he's fat. no seriously, he's fat, in an unhealthy sort of way. he doesnt walk. he moves like something very big which moves with great difficulty. he doesnt like moving. he likes to sit and eat. you can make him move if you promise to give him something he can sit and eat. but coming back to reincarnation. one fine day, when he was moving with all his might and glory (he was walking to class), a though struck me. i was like dude, you know you could be like a hindu-god reincarnate. and as i thought more about it, i realised that is what it was... danish, was actully the hindu god daneeesh in his past life, and he was the god of food. so all the little people would come to him with their best produce as offerings and sacrifice, so daneeesh would do small favours for them, or grant their prayers. but as the population grew, and competition became tougher, people began to give him more and more food, cooked better and better... and daneesh would only listen to people who brought him the bestest biggest steaks in the land. and then, as people fought to out-do each other, and give more and more food to daneesh, they began to run out of food. slowly and steadily, everyone starved to death, cuz daneeesh et all the food. and when no one was left to feed him, daneesh decided to committ suicide, and come back as a mortal, who's mom would feed him just as much. and that is the story of danish. and im sure somewhere in there is the reincarnation i was talking about, but i got carried away by the thought of steaks. and danish eating them. he's just too cool. at times, when im bored, i ask him to have lunch with me. then i pay for his steak and watch him eat. it's too cool. ------------------------------------------------- coming back to the space time discontinuum, i think this is the sexiest machine out there... umm... can i say that on my blog? sexy? umm.. but i cant help it... it is... im thinking of selling my soul to the devil, if i can exchange my cell fones for newer hotter ones every now and then and then again. i gave my 3230 to my baby sis. it looks better with her :D actually, i wouldnt really sell my soul to the devil for just cell fones. he's gonna have to throw in laptops, iPods, and a tonne of other gadgety stuff too. but the SLVR L7... yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy! read on and drool here. which by the way, brings me to some interesting gossip. porsche is in pakistan. errr. wtf? someone's lost their marbles, and it aint me... waisay, it's all good for me, i get to drool over their hoardings... the other day, i ALMOST banged my car doing that. i mean hello... you cant expect to put up pictures of them beauties, and expect people to keep their eyes on the road... toying with my emotions i say! down with apartheid! i wonder if they will let me go for a test drive... and this looks like an interesting article... me thinks i shall read it when i have time. oh, and yeah... mukhtaran mai gets her very own biography, that too in 32 languages. plus she gets to meet with the french foreign minister. and then u want to know why musharraf says believes women get raped so they can get free McMeals. u know, i think there's truth to be heard just yet. and mukhtaran mai may not be the one speakin it. she's too busy getting woman of the year award from bill clinton. im sorry, but there is something VERY wrong with the picture, isnt there? :)

father, daughter and the holy ghost

0_0 zee blogger et my post !@!@! out on these lonely roads... so we have thys ultra overpriced joint here in lahore, that serves the best pina colada in the city. i find myself drawn to that place over and over again, because of the decor. the have the most uncomfortable sofas on the planet, the kind you just sink into, and the tables are too high. featured invariably, you find yourself eating with the elbows resting on the table. chicago grill serves the worst food in the city, yet i go there time and time again, so i can oogle shamelessly at the dozens of paintings and murals that have been done up and put on the brick red walls. busted the murals are done in light pastel colours, and the place oozes the charm of the 50s and the 60s. images have been taken directly from the godfather, and the untouchables, two of my all time favourites. mystified i went there a few days ago, to order two takeaway pina-coladas. (that's all i could afford). while waiting, i started taking pictures of the paintings that intrigue me so, and while i was in the act, the manager walked in on me. i felt like i'd been caught cheating in my A levels or something. too bad about that. i really was only admiring... walking tall i wish i could paint, i really do. i tried drawing the other day. i cracked myself up. it was funny. so i put my art material away. lastly in other news, i know i had fever, but i can swear i was awake when i dreamt i saw my dad. and in the dream, i freak out for a moment, wondering how that is possible, and the disconnected part of the brain tells me, it's just a dream. so teh dreaming part asks, but if im awake, how can i be dreaming? the awake part says: just go back to sleep. im screwed in the head. excuse me while i go look for a transplant. im looking for a bonsai. send me one? see? and here... but this is JUST SICK!

tears in heaven

who's gonna drive you home, tonight? i had promised myself i wouldnt blog, until i had a fun blog to blog, cuz honestly speaking, i only just realised what a dull joint this place was becoming. BUT shit hath happened!!! 'they' sold my baby... i mean my car... today. gone. i woke up, heard the voices of some men in the other part of the house... there was talking, laughing... and then... that was that. my car was gone. it was grey and cloudy all day today. and it rained. it's way past midnight, and it's still raining. i wonder if it is a coincidence.

zanzibar. is so much fun to say. zan-zi-bar. see.

studying psychology was fun cuz you learnt what (or who) a catatonic schizophrenic was. beyond that, some part of me is glad i never pursued it. some time ago, for some marketing assignment of mine, i had to study personalities... while doing so, i ended up giving some personality test, and this is what the result was. since then, i have niether had the time, nor the inclination, nor the slightest bit of interest to read what it says. im actually rather sick of these generic outcomes that depending on the number of different options available, are applicable to from around 1,619,362,750 people (as in this case, with 4 different outcomes), to the more focused ones, where each outcome would explain the personalities of 323,872,550 people (of course the assumption here being the world population was equally split and compartmentalized). whatever the case may be, you may be interested in knowing princess diana and i share the same personality type. 0_o yeah, ok, i dont kn0w how that was important, and frankly, i dont much care, but seeing as how they went thru all that effort to link her, audery hepburn, and richard gere to that page, i'm assuming it's supposed to be important, or to mean something. look. if you bother to read what it says about me, let me know too? or actually. dont. i know me well enough. and then some. ---------------------------------------- but in most important news, im gonna fly. i dont know how, i dont know when, but i've decided it's something im going to do. whenever. ---------------------------------------- He woke up the room was bare He didn't see her anywhere He told himself he didn't care pushed the window open wide Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate Brought on by a simple twist of fate. People tell me it's a sin To know and feel too much within I still believe she was my twin but I lost the ring She was born in spring but I was born too late Blame it on a simple twist of fate. -- bob dylan

in sickness and in health

daphne du maurier has got to be the most warped author ever... and not in the stephen king way... stephen king is just plain sick... with her, her sickness is almost intangible. she's so... intense. i just finished reading her short stories... and i think a part of me envies her... the ability to think on so many levels... to come up with such morbid interpretations of relatively mundane things. this woman kicks ass. she's just... brilliant. although i have been scorned at, very recently, for reading her... "i read du maurier when i was 13". my reply to that? "whatever" a couple of other books i recently read, but wouldnt really recommend them to anyone are by robert ludlum. which isnt saying they were bad. it's just saying ludlum really isnt my cup of tea. and im sure i can make that claim having read the bourne identity, and the bourne supremacy... both of which i found written in a very similar style. his books are a must read if you want to know exactly how much pressure to exert at what point on the arm to hear the bone "craaack"... i was very sure i wasnt overly fond of him once i had finished the bourne identity...but force of habit and extreme boredom led me to pick up the sequel... and anyways, i have this rule of reading the book before watching the movie, one i have almost always been able to comply with, except in the case of andrew loydd webber's the phantom of the opera. (and not for a minute did i regret my decision to get the DVD. the musical is absotively fantabulous. the book? *faints*) i swear, that book is perhaps as unreadable as james joyce's ulysses... or maybe i'm being too harsh... but considering how unreadable ulysses is, i just think it's unfair to consider it in the top 100 books of all times. while we are on the subject of awful books, add a portrait of the artist as a young man to the list. consider the title, and imagine how much fun the book is going to be. =P but coming back to the books i HAVE read, and ludlum in particular, i would read the bourne ultimatum if i could get my hands on it (keeping with tradition, i prefer not to buy books... it's cheaper to read and return, and buy only what u think is worth owning); for a couple of reasons. a) i do things complete sets. and b) while ludlum isnt someone i'd recommend, that doesnt mean he's someone i wouldnt read. (i tend to treat myself rather shabbily). i remember doing that with erich segal. i owned/read about more than half a dozen books of his (which thankfully my best friend gave away on my behalf). except for love story, which everyone and their dog has read, i cannot recall a single book of his which was outstanding in terms of conent. that guy was literally a waste of time. *shudder* terrible, terrible stuff. anyways, i dont particularly want to blog about erich segal, and im pretty much done with ludlum... so i guess... that's about it? ----------------------------------------------------- "love means never having to say you are sorry" -- love story.

the apple tree.

do you believe in destiny? i dont know what i believe in. and it can be a strange existance, not knowing what to believe. or believing nothing. it's strange. how you can give meaning to someone's life. when your own is meaningless. when you are so hollow and empty from within, your "being" alone can result in a smile on someone's face. i dont try. believe me, i dont. i am not arrogant enough to think i'm worth anything, let alone intrinsic to anyone's happiness; at the same time, i know what my "not being" would do to them. so i go on, day in, day out. just being. living a life that is empty. existing in a void. watchinng the time go by. knowing that just as i find the passing seconds hard to bear, my bearing them with a smile is making life a less bitter pill to swallow for someone else. i didnt ask for this. i'm not saying im not to blame. and im not even going to ask "why me?" i'm over that. im just wondering how long :) im wondering who is stronger. me, or the hand that was dealt to me. you know what's funny? it isnt even a battle i chose to fight. but im sticking to my guns, cuz one morning, i woke up to find me in the middle of it all. i shouldve stepped away, chosen a different path when i had heard the battleships ahead. my mistake was that i had thought i would walk around it, or by it, and no one would notice. wishful thinking? my dad used to ask me when i would grow up. IF i would ever grow up. i'm as averse to the idea today as i was four years ago. but today i find i dont have a choice. --------------------------------------------------------------------- "we live in an imperfect world. which means there are an infinite number of possibilities." -- meeks that is the second most potent thing ive ever heard. it could actually alter my outlook towards life. i dont know. the first would have to be "shit happens" -- forrest gump. although, tell me. which would be worse - if shit happened, or if shit didnt happen? --------------------------------------------------------------------- went to a private gig today. it was nice. it was... i sat there for about two and a half hours, wondering what the hell i was doing there. and then i left. --------------------------------------------------------------------- i went to a wedding yesterday, and the day before. it was of one of my closest friends. i didnt go to the mehndi. understandably, she was pissed. and i had no excuses to give her. it's hard to explain to people how there are phases in your life, when you dont want to cloud their happiness, by hovering around them... i wanted to do nothing more yesterday, than just crawl in my bed, and hide my face under the covers. it wouldbe impossible to try and explain the amount of effort it took, to drag myself out of the bed, not look like a wild cat who's had its fur chewn off in a cat fight, and show up at that wedding. and what for? to eventually go up to her and tell her she looked like a dream (Which she did, but im sure the 600 people there had already told her that). i dont get it. why is it hardest to explain to friends... when they are supposed to hear unspoken words? her wedding would've happened without me being there. the first day did. and no one on the planet can wish her more success and happiness than i do. i love that chick from the core of my heart...why would she not have understood my not coming? i ran into all these people i DONT recognize from here and there, and it was like dude... i knew you in another lifetime. you cannot come up to me after 6 years and expect me to remember your name. i dont expect you to remember mine. i dont, in fact, expect you to remember me. cant you just leave me alone to spend my life in oblivion? it would be so much more convenient for all of us.

new year blues and yellows

my "happy" new year *belch* started most amazingly in fact :) at 5 in the morning, i got a call from meeks... him: happy new year ... me: err... are you insane??? im SLEEPING!!! it's FIVE in the morning... him: i know! beautiful morning, isnt it? me: you arent letting me go back to sleep, are you? him: NO *loud grin in his voice* *sigh* 5 minutes later, when i was up and wide awake, he goes: well, i gotta go, have fun, bye! yeay? :) and THEN, a few hours later, i got a call from halfway across the world. that was ubberawesome! :) we chatted for like half hour, and it was so so cool just the antidepressent one needs to start their year with :) i only wish i could ever once brighten someone's day like mine was. thanx D. that said, i feel like posting my track list (in no particular order) as on January 1, 2006. (these songs i keep in my cell...) The rasmus - in the shadows dido - thank you jeff buckley - hallelujah alexi murdoch - orange sky coldplay - under the tracks lifehouse - sick cycle carousel lifehouse - quasimodo counting crows - accidently in love deft tones - no ordinary love james blunt - you're beautiful lifehouse - everything goo goo dolls - name destiny's child - say my name schiller - ruhe anastasia - left outside alone black eyes peas - the elephunk theme creed - arms wide open hoobastank - reason is you dido - white flag third eye blind - i'll never let you go third eye blind - semi charmed life beyonce knowles - baby boy gladiator - main theme (trance mix) green day - time of your life avril lavinge - complicated lothlorien - ghostwood